The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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