recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
