I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
