i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
