a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
