Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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