Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
