At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
