I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
