Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I faked an abortion last night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
