Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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