there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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