Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
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The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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