I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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