Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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