Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
