Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
