I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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