Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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