Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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