So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
