What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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