Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
