A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
