You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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