She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
