Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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