Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
