Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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