So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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