if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
