Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
