If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone came in the potted fern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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