I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My boob is missing a layer of skin
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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