you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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