i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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