I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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