Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
