I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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