he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
