I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
