You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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