i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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