I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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