Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you never un-have a 4some
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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