like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
