i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
