I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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