did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize