Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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