I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
