i permit you to call me
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
