I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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