remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
