I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
