She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
