I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I understand Curling. That high.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
