I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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