He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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